Searching my thoughts and soul....

All my life I have been searching for a special type of love and all this time I had it right in front of me. I’d search and suffer when I couldn’t find somebody to love me.

But I did have love, the unconditional love received from my mum. That’s a love no other person could have given to me, and I now know there is no use looking for it in anyone else as it will never be the same. I don't feel I have taken her love forgranted either, but I have been too busy searching for it elsewhere because there was something blocking it's path to get to me.

It did take me long to realise this as it felt that someone did not want me to have this blessing. There was that man figure in my life that was meant to protect me, keep me from any hurt. Instead he took my innocence a long with the rest of my families.

I used to dwell on this, thinking why was I so unlucky? Why didn’t I get the same love that other’s have received? Then I realise I am lucky as I have had it from at least one parent and from my siblings.

Now I live my life looking for what I feel and not what I thought I needed. I am told by people to be strong and not let words hurt me, but if I have been trying to do that from a young age and it has been no use, as the people that I am supposed to trust have let me down. So what do these outsiders aspect? I do feel that I am strong, yet I don’t have the will power to fight for my respect anymore. I am me....

I have always been good to all and I have no real regrets. So take it or leave it but don’t be cruel, especially when you do not know me, you don’t know what I have lived. Judgement day will come to me in good time; I don’t need people who don’t want to give me a real chance to judge, as they are wrong.

There are bullies out there who try to tread on people who seem weaker. But the weaker ones are the bullies themselves. They have no love for themselves and that is why they try to destroy people who seem to take it, although it may seem different, I am not one to take it.

I have self respect and love for myself and my family and that is what is important. The bullies out there have no love for anyone and I pity these people, because with my experience in life I know I can give a lot more than anyone who has tried to step and ruin my path...