Like many people I have lived a fairly normal childhood with issues that have moulded me into who I am. Since I was a child I had a better connection with boys and by having a younger brother it made it naturally easier for me to relate and make friends with them. I was sent to a a only girls secondary school and I had my share of bad experiences with bullies which made me feel distrust towards any girl that came close or tried being nice to me. I ended up being the "tomboy" of the group; the girl who played football on the street, wrestled with the boys in hope of proving I was the strongest, I even managed to become the leader of the pack due to my bossiness i suppose. Despite these adventures and Goonie lifestyle I secretly wanted girlfriends and liked the ideas of girlie afternoon's reading Smash hits or Just Seventeen magazines, reading the embarrassing problem pages hopefully teaching you at the same time.
I don't want to complain about my adolescence, it wasn't easy, but a lot of the kids where I was growing up had their share of problems which made my stuff seem less important. I found it hard to relate with girls and as I was the youngest and very small in size in my school year, I was also a slow developer or that's how it seemed in my school with most girls with training bra's and talking about becoming a woman, which made it even harder for me to fit in. I didn't find a place, not at school, not with anyone. I always felt lonely no matter how full a room was.
Just like a lot of teens I also suffered in the looks department. I wore braces, had spots and couldn't decide whether a fringe would be better to hide the spots or not. I would go home and cry in my room because I didn't accept myself. I felt lonely in the world, like no one would understand me.
I would cry endlessly and would spend the evening wondering what the point in life was, what was the point?
I was invisible to everyone, not one boy would look at me and if he caught a glimpse he would scan, process and decide. Girl...flat chested, looks 12, no. After a long cry I would habitually grab my diary and start to write down everything I felt with either P!nk or Christina Aguilera on my hifi helping get through those lonely, melancholic moments. I would gush about how lonely I felt and would write down how one day I would fight back, I would get my revenge, I would prove I am beautiful, men would notice me not only for my good nature but my inner beauty and oerhaos outer too, people would love me.
I'm sure It sounds like a typical teen American movie you have seen a trillion times. Most teens want the same thing but maybe in different ways. It's definitely tough.
For years I had made myself believe that the only way of moving forward is by fighting and being ambitious for what I wanted in life. No matter how sorry I felt for myself as I cried I knew I would make it, deep down there was my positive side breaking through.
I watched a TV documentary on Gerd Haliwell just when she left the Spice Girls and she explained how she wrote a wishlist to get what she wanted to achieve and how they came true. I found it funny because I had already started doing that before and didn't think someone famous would do something like that. I started writing my wishlist. Not a list of what I wanted, of what I had. I wrote a list of things that were achievable to my standard and would write in present tense as if I already had it. Maybe only 75% or less was achievable, Leonardo Di Caprio wasn't going to marry me.
Jumping forward into time I can say that fighting for what you want isn't the correct term to use when you achieve something you desire. I am on my journey which is helping me learn about myself more and understand the purpose of being here. Many people would read this and say this list idea is nothing new, it has been taught in books like The Secret and yes i've read it and i'm an advocate of it all and believe in sharing what should be continued to be taught. Writing a bucket list of what you want is a great start. Then making lists of realistic goals will soon become goals that have been met.
It is recommendable to renew the list now and again. You will find yourself crossing off some things that have come true and others that were a blatant long shot that will never happen. Leo I'm still waiting ;)
Throughtout my late teens and early twenties, I experienced some sad moments which really marked my life. I lost faith in god, in life in anything living. I was lost for a while and felt lonely and went back to feeling I was that invisible girl again. I wasn't embracing my teens nor was I embracing my life as a young adult. I couldn't find escapism but somewhere inside of me was that hopeful, ambitious person that needed an opportunity. Luckily I have always believed in good things come to those who are good and when negative things have come in the past I automatically thought that it happened for a reason and depending on my choices I have, the next decisions could change the course of my destiny for better or worse.
I can't say I am a follower of anything precise, I am a citizen of Earth. I was brought up a Catholic and whilst learning about the Catholic religion I also was lucky enough to have a teacher that taught us about other religions and cultures, letting us ladies experience a Jewish passover, understanding Islam, Hinduism, the different views on abortion, we even had to sit under our desks with ours eyes closed, listening to her describe this dark and foul situation of people chained to each other in ships without any space to move, let alone breathe. Obviously she was describing the moment Africans were kidnapped and taken from their homeland to be slaves. Miss. Warburton was the only teacher that got me listening in class. Sometimes she would make us all lay on the carpet floor with our eyes closed and we did meditation in class which was most probably my first contact with this.
It has taken me years to find what is good for me and I'm always finding and adopting new things to my lifestyle in hope I can live happier and healthier. Now I'm obsessed with my juicer making amazing juices daily feeling good that I'm taking in all the vitamins I need. I try to think of it like when you go travelling and see something you really like because it's useful and most probably not common where you live. You buy it and take it home, later you show other people, teaching them something useful. I apply this to my lifestyle. Eating and drinking healthybis great for my body but I needed more. I'm naturally anxious and I have been searching for years a way to feel calmer and happier within, and for the past 3 I have been learning the Buddhist way combined with any other philosophy that is along those lines. I don't believe in fighting. Every time I have found myself in a situation where I'm fighting for what I belive in, I have found myself hurting people and hurting myself. I don't want to see anymore wars, people fighting for religious purposes when it is completely against any religion to wipe out anyone. We all need Tranquility and to be able to appreciate what we have around us instead of continuing to destroy it. Why can't we banish barriers?
I haven't reached all my goals because I'm continously renewing what I want because everyday is a new day and we don't know what can happen and what can change us. It is often really difficult to stay on the path towards enlightenment but I believe it is reachable if you set yourself out there with your eyes open, not judging everything and reflecting on everything you have observed and learnt. For the past week I have begun my new task of chanting twice a day 'Nam myoho rengue kyo' along with prayers and I am already feeling the change. I'm awakening the lotus inside of me. I want to go deeper into this but think it's better to wait for the right moment.
I still get my moments of sadness however, when I take in the dawns chorus or the smell of a pizza it awakens my inner self and reminds me there is a purpose, the purpose is to all live a tranquil life, one where you can be at peace and help others along the way would be the best. Utopia is only impossible because a vast majority of humans don't want to see past their invisible barriers they call religion, culture, respect, wealth, race and creed. Why can't we educate peace, love and harmony? Why is this the most difficult obstacle us strict moral people can't overcome? Why can't we live United respectively? Why are we destroying the gold which is our land?
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