Shatter the Silence on Abuse

                          

In the UK there has been lot of controversy from unsurprising claims of Jimmy Savile being a paedophile and the amount of child abuse him and other celebrities have done without anyone noticing, or with the BBC knowing about this but hiding it from the public eye.
When I started to read this in the newspapers it didn't come as a surprise that these allegations had been covered up. The public and media have been going crazy, asking so many questions, like, why didn't this all come out sooner? Why didn't the victims come out when he was alive? And so on. We obviously know now that the victims didn't come forward because they feared no one would believe them and the ones that did come forward were already judged well before anyone did believe them. This isn't anything new. Child abuse, indecent assault and pedophilia come across to me as a taboo that most people, (not just the media), DO want to hide.

As a victim of child abuse I feel that I can relate to some of these victims. I was a ten year old child when it happened and when it did happen the first thing I wanted to do was tell my mother. But then fear hit me. I felt dirty, vulnerable and thought my mum would never believe me. I remember the day after the incident, my life changed. I wanted to tell someone, a teacher, a school friend, a family member but I felt that it was my fault and I thought if I did tell I would get killed or no one would listen to me.

As years passed I thought to myself that I would never be able to tell anyone until the predator was dead, a bit like how the victims felt towards Jimmy Savile.

Why did I think like that?

I don't know whether it was people not believing me or feeling guilt or fear of destroying that man, even though he destroyed my innocence and the consequences in later life have taken its toll.

I may get criticized for not ever going to the police but I feel too many years have passed and in my opinion justice won’t be served because I don’t believe in the UK justice system, I have had other passed experiences to know what would happen to a perverted man if he ended up in court, as a teen I was indecently assaulted by another man and this time I did go the police and the man only got community service and I lived in fear for many years.

At 19 years old I moved to another country and that’s when it all started to come out, I imagine I felt liberated. At 21 I started going down a dangerous partying lifestyle, I didn't care what I was doing to my body as I felt like I was already damaged goods. I didn't love myself and I looked everywhere for it. I was obsessed in finding a decent man that would love me and protect me from all the hurt that happened more than 10 years ago. Obviously like many other mistakes I have made, that wasn't the solution, the solution was to turn to somebody for help.

Is it easy to turn to someone?
Like many victims of abuse, the predator normally is someone close, maybe a family member or a friend of the family.

After therapy and me feeling uneasy but ready, I finally decided to come forward and speak to my mother. I felt mature enough to tell her, and years had gone by and I thought she would understand my pain.

Unfortunately this wasn't the case or at least I didn't feel any better.
The main reason why I came forward was for my mum to realize she needed to protect her other children and avoid any repetitions of this kind of situation. 

It's not easy opening up and it's not easy for a loved one to hear about abuse that has happened. They feel like they have let the victim down, I don’t blame my mother for this. I blame society and this is why I call it a taboo. My mum reacted like the majority of people would, sad, angry, guilty for not being there and then finally shelve it as if nothing happened, a bit like the documentary that was shelved of Jimmy Saville.

I know of many cases like this, of friends and strangers who have gone through the same situation. Is it because it causes embarrassment?

My mother did open up to other family members and I recall one member telling me not to worry as these things happen all the time.

I remember asking myself so many questions.
Really?
Is it because they are from a different older generation where it was accepted more?
Is that the response you give to a victim of abuse?

My siblings found out through my mum and none have dared to question me about it,I sometimes they feel scared of hearing the facts that they block it all out, I have tried to be open about it but its not an easy subject for anyone to hear, I did feel anger towards them but its not their fault, its no ones but the perpetrators.

Do you not think people like me shouldn't be open about it?
Wouldn't other people learn to be able to talk to other people, or read the signs?
How can we put a control on all this when everyone is terrified of listening to the truth?

This has to change.

When you confide in someone about what happened to you, their automatic reaction would be that they would kill that person but it’s not what should happen and I don’t think neither myself or the majority would condone it, I also believe in forgiveness.

I actually confronted my predator, not face to face but via message, I didn't need to see his face again. It was a way of me closing a chapter on that part of my life. I have not received any replies and doubt I ever will but it helped me in a way to move forward as I could explicitly tell than horrible man what he had done without feeling fear (although I did feel it when I hit the send button). Has this cured my scars? No, but the wounds aren't so deep now.

                        

In the UK there are so many associations that can help children with problems, I remember being in school and the NSPCC would come and talk to us about child abuse but I never felt they were delicate enough to let us come forward. Or maybe the images we would see on the video reconstructions were so dark and terrifying that I automatically thought that my abuse was nothing compared to theirs and I didn't want my abuser to get into trouble.

I do feel teachers should have a part to play in a Child's life given the fact that they spend days on end with them, teachers need to give them trust and make them feel they can come forward. I was a child that would never concentrate, I was always crying and suffered bullying and not one teacher ever asked me anything about my life at home, and my sorrows were cries for help yet no one dared to look into what was wrong with that little girl.

I have taught children myself and I have been able to tell a bit how the kids life is at home. I feel like everyone failed me as a child and I don’t want my children or any other child to feel this fear or feel failed by anyone, we are not here to let this happen.

I did think of calling Childline many times but again I was too afraid.
So how can we help children from being abused?
How can we make kids feel protected and come forward if they have problems?

Firstly, our mental approach to this needs to change, we need to talk more openly about these things, feel neither disgusted with ourselves nor judged. People judge all the time and criticize without being in the skin of the other person and this needs to stop, but it won’t because it seems with the world developing more and more people become more and more judgemental and think its freedom of speech but it’s not.
I do believe in freedom of speech but I don’t believe in haters or criticism unless it’s a constructive critic.

I don’t have a real solution and I don’t know where this can take us victims but I think people who hear of abuse or even speculate it need to provide support.

All my life I have felt unprotected and this has made me build this great brick wall so no one can get to me, other lose complete respect for themselves and I did at one point but now that almost twenty years have passed I know nothing was my fault, but it took too long for me and others don’t even get over these things.

If anyone is abused come forward, to someone you feel like you can trust, speak up, get your voice heard. Let’s rid of this unnecessary taboo and be strong for the victims. Let people know they have someone to turn to, although I have a big family I feel failed by them but it’s not their fault they were oblivious to it all, I should of looked for help and so should you.

 In the end I am not writing this post to look for sympathy, I don’t need it. I’m writing to try and make a change, even if one person of abuse reads this and relates I feel that I’m helping in some way.

I am here for anybody that needs support; I am neither an expert nor a doctor. I’m a regular person that lives on this Earth who wants to give the support that I feel I always lacked and still do today.

Support groups: http://www.childline.com/

                           http://www.nspcc.org.uk/ 
                           http://www.samaritans.com/